I never thought I’d just be a boy mum.
Posted on May 11 2018
I'd always 'seen' myself with two kids, a girl and a boy, when I was imagining what my life would be like.
So, when we became pregnant with #1 I had automatically assumed it would be a girl. I was a girl, I was the oldest, I took care of my little brother with motherly instincts, surely this will be the order of my children’s lives too. The universe thought otherwise.
When I became pregnant with my first, I was convinced it would be a girl, but honestly, I couldn’t care less. I was just happy to be entering the role of first time mum. The 20 week scan came around, husband and I had already made the decision that we would like to know the gender of baby. It was very exciting to find out we were having a boy then.
Fast forward about 18 months. When I was pregnant the second time all I could think of was how much I wanted a daughter. A little girl to dress up and just be girly with.
There was no question about whether we were going to find out the gender this time, I like to plan ahead. During the 20 week scan I was concentrating so hard not to be sick all over the sonographer (the joys of having hyperemesis Gervis, a story for another day) that when she said “congrats you’re having a boy”, I don’t think I fully registered what I had just been told. She looked from me to my husband and back to me expecting the joyous reaction of parents to be, but there was none – well from me anyway. I smiled shyly and asked her “are you sure?” To which she replied pointing to what apparently was a penis “oh yes darling THAT is without a doubt a boy”!
I am so ashamed to admit that I was disappointed. Really disappointed! It took me a good solid few weeks for the fact to sink in that I was going to be the mother of boys. Even writing this now I think how utterly silly that was! I mean I should have been celebrating my second pregnancy, happy to be bringing new life into this world. Instead I was disappointed that I was not having a girl. How petty was that?
So, I put the idea out of my head. There would be no Abigail (the name of the girl I was to have), or shopping for pretty dresses. I moved forward and embraced the idea of another gorgeous little boy to love unconditionally.
I think gender disappointment is a real thing and it is hard to comprehend because it’s a feeling of happiness and sadness all at the same time. Not that I don’t love my boys but it is kind of grieving the loss of a little girl that I probably won’t have. I love my boys and I can’t imagine my life without them. Boys are awesome. The bond between them is beautiful (although at the moment mainly fighting over cars) and it is amazing to watch and I hope it never changes.
Besides, even if I did have a girl I probably would not have a clue what to do with one.